there’s so many things that I used to give a shit about that I don’t even think about anymore. When I first turned 21, I would go to clubs, but never dance if there was any less than 10 people on the dance floor. I didn’t want anyone to stare or judge me for dancing alone. When I was 16, I hated myself for having peach fuzz, PEACH FUZZ THAT EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS, on my lower back that was as blonde as can be, but for some reason it looked like a god damned rain forest to me. I thought, “Who could ever love me when I’m a hairy mess? I’ll never be able to be naked in front of anyone.” When I was 18 I worried about school. I worried that since I didn’t go to university straight out of high school that my peers would judge me and think of me as “lazy” or “stupid”.
I was taking a bath just now, and I’m thinking of all of these things. I’m turning over in the clear water, staring at my body and thinking about things I’ve thought of myself in the past.
I look at the peach fuzz on my lower back, and I love it. I look at my long, gangly legs perched with one foot on each side of the faucet, and I love them. I think about my decision to not go to university, and I’m happy about it. I think about dancing in an empty bar with my best friend, and I smile.
Time is a strange thing, my friends. Nothing is permanent. Things may be terrible for a while, but I promise things will get better. You will begin to love every toe, every wayward hair, every bump in the road, and even though I won’t be there, know that I am rooting for you. I am screaming, “yes! Your chin hairs don’t define you! Pluck those assholes out and go take the day! Or don’t pluck them! Who cares! You rule!”
I look around me and I see he fruits of the choices I have made, and I am happy. I am elated. I wouldn’t trade any of the tears or the anxiety attacks for what I have now.
Moral of the story: Sometimes life is gonna be an empty dive bar, and you’re just gonna have to get up and dance by yourself.
That was a really white girl thing to say.